Originally posted December 21st, 2011
The screen is black. Light slowly begins to pour in, and the scene is revealed: a desolate frozen wasteland. 5 factions stand sillouetted: The Storm, SCS, Worker's Union, Bloomin' Onion, and Battalion. As a strong wind begins to blow across the landscape, a skyscraper rises up behind them, then another, then another, and soon an entire city has risen out of the dead ground. The sky parts from grey into black, full of bright stars and a huge full moon. Each faction raises their fists in turn. After the last faction has signalled, the distorted (and seemingly photoshopped-in) face of Lotus Dragon appears in the sky.
The theme song hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Z_UJ0_biJw ) and an intro package shows, highlighting all the different members of the wWo Roster. Lotus and his faction are all absent from the clips.
As the song fades out, the camera opens on The wWo Arena. It's a building reminiscent of the Hammerstein Ballroom, and it's completely packed. Pictures of the faction leaders - Blizzard, Autumn, Manfred, Dingo, and Marduk (Lotus is again absent, but there is an empty space where his should be) - hang from the high rafters in a circle around the ring, facing the ground and the audience. The crowd is going wild as the cameras zoom around to catch their excited reactions.
Cole: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Greatest Show On Earth, revived - wWo REBIRTH! I'm Blizzard Cole, and sitting beside me for our first match of the evening is the founder of the wWo, Blizzard Mask!"
Blizzard: "Thanks Cole, tonight is going to be one hell of a night. Some people have questioned my motives in bringing back this fine promotion, but let me say right off the bat that our first priority is putting on a hell of a show for the fans, the ones in the Arena and all the people watching at home on DVD."
Cole: "And wrestling fans, you are in for one heck of a show tonight. Our first contest of the evening is going to be monumental, but first, allow me to introduce our first Faction here in the wWo... Craig Marduk, and The Battalion."
The screen fades out.
The scene opens up in a remote part of the city, desolate and abandoned. Not a single soul to be seen. The buildings are old and falling apart as the street is littered with debris. Old cars, rusted to the core remain in the street. Dogs are heard howling in the night as the occasional cat with glowing eyes walks on by. A figure emerges from inside one of the desecrated buildings revealing himself to be the Vale Tudo master Craig Marduk. A look upon his face spells out the severity of the situation as he takes a small breath...
Craig Marduk: "wWo, new battle grounds. I have been placed to be the captain of a team that I personally put together. What others don't realize is that my allies possess a different kind of element that will help the rest of us succeed. Step forward Max Blizzard."
As soon as Craig utters his name Max Blizzard appears from the shadows as Craig makes his way over to him with a small smirk across his face as he stands next to the old man...
Craig Marduk: "Here we have Wisdom, a man who has seen many things in his days, and someone who is very close to the owner of this company. Max offers us insight into how Blizzard's mind works, seeing as how he is his son after all. But as a good leader in exchange for the information about his child, I shall train Max myself so that he may be ready once he steps foot into the ring. Delta, show yourself."
The young Dustin Delta makes his appearance as he stands by Max as Craig positions himself in front of him with a smile across his face...
Craig Marduk: "Youth, that is what Dustin has to his advantage. The youngest of our group, someone who strives for power and to better himself day by day. His physical health is in top form and he will surely run circles around the rest of the competition. Ronin, you're next."
Ronin steps forward with an arrogant smile while he holds a steel pipe in his hand. A small laugh escapes him as Craig looks at him with the same expression he holds...
Craig Marduk: "Confidence. An essential quality to any team, and without a doubt Ronin here has the biggest ego of the entire group, but that isn't a bad thing. For you see, that ego is what drives him to be what he claims to be, better than the rest. Like myself he has a match on the first night against CM Punk, that he will win. Shaymin, emerge."
With that the female member of Marduk's group makes her way and stands next to Ronin like everyone else. Craig steps to where he is now standing in front of her...
Craig Marduk: "Kindness. Shaymin here, one of the nicest people you could meet. Always there to lend a hand or just give that well needed pat on the back. A crucial element, without the rest of us wouldn't be able to become great allies who will be able to depend on each other. Now, for the final member."
A roar is heard as the animal Bear Blizzard walks over to Craig on all fours. Looking him in the face he stands onto his hind legs letting out another loud roar that echoes throughout the desolate area. Craig just laughs as he nods his head...
Craig Marduk: "Here, here we have the personification of ferocity. The unbending will to maul and destroy. A powerful creature suited with the perfect attitude, kill or be killed. Thankfully, we've been able to train him on practicing restraint when it comes to his animal instincts. Truly he is the image of what we are all about. Strength, violence, and dominance."
Bear Blizzard roars one more time as Craig just gives the animal a small applause as it goes back down to all fours. At this point Craig stands in the middle of the group with his arms folded behind his back as his allies do the same...
Craig Marduk: "Now you all may be asking yourself "Craig, what is it you bring to the table?" A question that garners a simple answer, Leadership. I am the center piece that holds everything together. I possess everything that was mentioned and more. Something that my fellow Australian Dingo Patterson will soon learn as he goes one on one with me on the premier night. My intentions are to overwhelm him, hurt him, make him suffer. He may think of himself as a true Australian, but I'll open his eyes to the truth, he is no match for a true fighter and unfit to be a leader."
Craig clenches his fist in front of him as he lets a small laugh escape him...
Craig Marduk: "These competitors under my command will lead the charge and claim wWo as our own. We shall be feared, for we are the Battalion and this company has officially become, a war zone."
Craig raises his fist high into the air as the remainder of the Battalion does as well. Marduk gives an arrogant smirk as they all fade into the dark bringing the scene to a close...
The scene fades back in on the arena. An announcer stands in the middle of the ring, ready to introduce the participants.
Announcer: "The following contest is a Beer On A Pole Match. Whoever can retrieve the beer and chug it first will be declared the winner, and earn their Faction 2 points. The loser will cost their Faction 1 point and will be labeled a pussy for the rest of their lives."
Music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tIzP3Te05E ) and Supreme Phoenix RONIN makes his way into the ring, holding a kendo stick in one hand and a beer in the other.
Announcer: "Introducing first... representing The Battalion... from Glorious Nippon, The Greatest Country In The World Because That's Where Kenzo Suzuki Is From... weighing in at 230 pounds... SUPREME... PHOENIX... RONIIIIIIIIIIIN!"
Cole: "You know Blizzard, I don't get this guy. He's about to participate in a match where the goal is to chug a beer, and it looks like he's already drunk! What a goof!"
Blizzard: "I don't know about this guy either. The only reason I hired him is because he wouldn't stop pestering me on Twitter."
Cole: "That's all it takes to get a job in the wWo?"
Blizzard: "Yeah, pretty much."
RONIN stumbles into the ring and holds his kendo stick high in the air. The crowd goes nuts throwing red and white streamers at him. One hits him in the head and he falls down.
Cole: "Look at him, he can't even stand up to a streamer! What a drunk! What a goof!"
Music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0uJbi2BOGE ) and 2003 CM Punk makes his wWo debut. A chorus of boos ignites the arena as he makes his way down the ramp, flipping people off and telling children to "go play in the highway".
Announcer: "And his opponent, representing The Bloomin' Onion... from Chicago, Illinois... wieghing in at 218 pounds... C... M... PUNK!"
Cole: "What's the story with this guy?"
Blizzard: "Glad you asked, Cole. As a businessman, I naturally wanted only the most well-known talent for the wWo, and who's more well-known right now than CM Punk? Unfortunately, he won't return my calls. So I used the AES Time Machine to go back to 2003 and sign him to an iron-clad contract."
Once Punk is in the ring, he immediately gets in RONIN's face. RONIN says some stuff about japan and raises his beer, but Punk smacks it out of his hand and starts attacking him. The bell rings, and the match has begun.
Punk hammers RONIN with a few hard forearms, but out of nowhere RONIN comes back with a kendo stick shot right to the head, sending Punk to the mat.
Cole: "Hey! That's illegal!"
Blizzard: "I hate to disagree with ya Cole, but in a Pole Match, nothing's illegal. The only winner is the guy who chugs that beer."
Cole: "Well it should be illegal! What a goof!"
RONIN stumbles for a second, realizes that Punk is down, and looks first to the Beer On A Pole, then to the audience for affirmation. They cheer wildly, wanting nothing more than to see CM Punk embarassed in his debut match. He stumbles over to the turnbuckle and starts to climb.
Cole: "Hey! He can't win like this! This is the first match of wWo's illustrious return, and he's gonna ruin it like the drunken goof he is!"
Before RONIN can grab the beer, Punk is back up. Punk grabs RONIN by the back of his Karate pants and pulls him violently to the ground. The crowd goes boooooooooo. Punk looks up at the beer, scoffs, and starts stomping away at the grounded samurai.
Blizzard: "Looks like Punk isn't even going to get that Beer. I don't know if that's exactly wise."
Cole: "Good for him! Punk is straight-edge, which means he wouldn't even touch that beer, unlike that drunken goof he's laying into. Punk wants to win this match by sending RONIN to the hospital, and I say do it Punk, take that goof out once and for all!"
Blizzard: "You really like the word goof, don't you?"
Cole: "It's what my mom used to call me when she spanked me."
Blizzard: "Ah, makes sense."
Punk continues to lay into RONIN, showing off his fine offense for the jeering crowd. RONIN makes a comeback however, countering an irish whip by ducking Punk's clothesline, hitting the ropes, and coming back with a boot to the face. He drunkenly falls on top of the downed Punk, apparently looking for the cover, but the ref gets his attention and reminds him of the rules.
Cole: "Look at this goof, he can't even remember what kind of match he's in!"
Blizzard: "Can you blame him? The guy's shitfaced."
Reminded of his goal, RONIN stumbles over to the corner and starts to climb...
Punk sneaks in behind him though, and hits RONIN with a sudden sit-out powerbomb. He slouches in the corner, stunned, while RONIN is layed out from the power-move.
Blizzard: "This isn't good for Punk, looks like that boot to the face really rattled him."
Cole: "Come on Punk! Get up! Get the beer and pour it in that goof's stupid face!"
Punk pulls himself to his feet just as RONIN is getting to his knees, but instead of climbing the turnbuckle, he runs towards RONIN for a Shining Wizard. Before Punk can hit the move however...
Cole: "BEER TO THE FACE! BEER TO THE FACE! THAT'S ILLEGAL!"
Blizzard: "Like I said before Cole, nothin's illegal in a Pole Match."
Punk stumbles back into the corner, dry-heaving from the beer. RONIN recovers and runs towards Punk, going for a Shining Wizard of his own, catching Punk right in the face with a stiff knee.
Blizzard: "Punk's gotta be unconscious after that stiff shot. RONIN may be a drunk, but he's got one hell of a knee on him."
Cole: "No! Punk! HE'S GONNA GET THE BEER!"
After reeling from all the sudden movement for a second, RONIN looks up at the beer above his head and the crowd goes wild. He somehow manages to balance enough to climb over Punk and untie the beer, then hops back down into the ring, holding the beer high in the air, showing off for the crowd, teasing the chug.
Blizzard: "This isn't smart right here - RONIN hasn't won yet, he needs to chug that beer before Punk gets back up."
Too late however, as RONIN turns around and meets a high roundhouse to the face from the stumbling Punk. The unopened beer falls to the ground with RONIN.
Cole: "COME ON PUNK! DRINK THE BEER! SEND THAT GOOF BACK WITH A BIG FAT LOSS!"
Blizzard: "This might prove problematic, Cole. Punk can win this thing right here, but in order to do it he's gotta do the one thing he swore he would never do - chug the beer."
Cole: "COME ON PUNK, SCREW YOUR MORALS, DON'T LOSE TO THIS GOOF!"
Punk picks up the beer and stares at it, unsure what to do. The crowd starts taunting him with chants of "CHUG CHUG CHUG", and he looks at them with disdain before popping the top gingerly like the can is full of Uranium.
Blizzard: "Is he actually going to do it?"
Punk stares into the can for a long time while the crowd continues to taunt him. He crouches down next to RONIN and holds the beer in front of his face, saying something unintelligible but probably mean.
Cole: "Wait, what's this now!?"
Suddenly, RONIN comes to life, grabbing Punk's hand and forcing the beer to his own lips while he's still lying down. Punk is shocked and tries to pull away, and when that doesn't work tries punching Phoenix in the head with his free hand, but the drunk won't budge. RONIN suddenly lets go, and Punk stumbles back to the turnbuckle, shocked. The crowd is going mad. Punk lifts up the beer and slowly tips it over...
and nothing comes out. The bell rings.
Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner, representing The Battalion... Supreme... Phoenix... RONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!"
Cole: "NO! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?"
Blizzard: "Punk took too much time. He had a choice to make. He couldn't chug the beer and that gave RONIN time to recover, which cost Punk the match and cost The Bloomin' Onion a very valuable 2 points, points which instead go to The Battalion. So that's Battalion 2, Bloomin' Onion 0."
Blizzard: "Well folks, while Cole is having a heart attack, allow me to seque on his behalf. The two Factions represented in this match are not the only ones here in the wWo, so let's hear from a little group who call themselves... The Worker's Union."
Fade to black.
There is darkness, and a voice speaks through it.
Voice: "Walking the path of heaven, the man that would rule everything..."
The Worker's Union stand united, side-by-side, in a plain room backstage. From left-to-right - Rhett Unyellow, Sin Cobra, Manfred Rickett, Mojo Jojo, and Ayane Mitsui. In the back stands The Bear They Call Steve, looking very furry and menacing. All of their arms are by their sides as they stare at the camera. After a few seconds, Manfred Rickett tips his hat and begins to speak.
Rickett: "I...am not a good man.
"I am a cutthroat. A liar. A thief. I have squandered and hoarded, stolen and cheated my way through work, through school, through life.
"In other words, I am exactly like any other businessman. I just have the sense to admit my ways. They say that honesty is the best policy, and how can I be so wrong when I am nothing but a truly honest man?
"The Worker's Union exists on this premise. These brave men and women trust me. They know my methods and I know theirs, and we have an understanding based on respect. Their skillset and my vision will transform this company into the vision laid out by myself. A true money-making entity - The best company in the world. As a self-made man, there is none better to lead this Union to the top of the /wooo/ World Order than Manfred Rickett."
The Worker's Union nod in unison. Steve grunts.
Rickett: "I am not unreasonable. I am working my way to the top, just like I worked my way to my mansion on the top of the hill. I do not come in here and throw my money around and try to boss my way into the main event. That has never been my modus operandi. I do not believe this to be the way my brothers and sisters in this union work as well.
"My first challenge to the top comes in the form of a lovely young woman calling herself Autumn Meszaros. Autumn...a beautiful name for a beautiful person, to be sure. It's just such a shame that you won't be so pretty after dealing with me. I have crushed hopes, erased smiles, and trampled competition underfoot in my long climb to the top, and I have no doubt that this will be so different."
In unison, the human members of the Worker's Union cross their arms against their chest, right-over left. Steve stands around menacingly.
Rickett: "We are the Worker's Union, Ms. Meszaros. We will be watching. We will be waiting."
The human members raise their left arms into the air, fists clenched.
Rickett: "You come from intelligent and hard-working parents, my dear, but when one opposes Manfred Rickett, there is always a price.
"And every day, someone has to pay."
Sin Cobra suddenly stumbles forward, breaking formation. Rickett turns to him with a look of disgust on his face, and scoffs.
Rickett: "Cheap labor..."
The scene fades.
As the camera comes back on, the ring is empty.
Cole: "Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen, I lost my composure and acted unprofessionally. However, the night must go on, and joining me now at the commentary booth is the winner of our last match... Supreme Phoenix RONIN. *sigh*"
RONIN: "GOOD TO BE HERE MITCHELL COLE I HEARD YOU LIKE TO PARTY"
Cole: "Mr. RONIN... is there any way we can just focus on the next match?"
RONIN: "ALRIGHT QUEER GAWL"
Music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tgWkItPGd4 ) and out from the back comes Hyper Blizzard, wearing a pair of sunglasses and the Wrestle Republic 2421 Global Network championship around her waist. As she makes her way down to the ring, everybody in the crowd boos her, except for one fat guy with a bunch of Hyper Blizzard merch. She rolls into the ring non-chalantly and grabs a mic. The first few times she lifts the mic to her lips however, the crowd drowns her out, but eventually she just starts talking over their jeering.
Hyper: "You people need to recognize greatness when you see it - the lack of respect I get from you assholes is mind-blowing. Maybe the problem is that your parents Ducked in the middle of a radiation hazard, or maybe you're just a bunch of undereducated Ducktards... just in case it's the latter, allow me to educate you in exactly WHY you should respect me.
"I'm the Second Best Wrestler In The World, next to my older brother Super Blizzard... you probably know him as Blizzard Mask, the man who founded this company and brought it back for this reunion show. Me personally, I couldn't give two halves of a shit sandwich about you people, but my brother says I gotta entertain you Ducking plebes or we won't get paid.
"So with that in mind, I'm putting out an Open Challenge to any of the Duckwads in the back... except for Autumn Meszaros."
The crowd boos heavily, obviously wanting Meszaros to accept the challenge.
Hyper: "Sorry folks, but she's already booked up for the night. It doesn't matter how much she wants my Global Network Championship, she's gotta wait for the match, just like all of you Ducknuggets are gonna have to wait for that match.
"I call the shots around here, because not only am I a Blizzard, not only am I a Wrestling Goddess, I am KAWAII DESU AS Duck... and you Chill On That."
RONIN: "I LIKE HER BOOBIES"
The arena is silent, and then...
Music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmSjrr0XQNw ) and Beardy El Transgender comes out of the back carrying a microphone. Before she can say anything however, Hyper starts spouting off again.
Hyper: "Are you Ducking kidding me!? Is this a Ducking joke!? Who's responsible for this, huh? Who's ribbin' me?
"Listen cunt, why don't you go hang out with Autumn in the back? You guys can swap stories about how her mom is a stupid bitch who couldn't beat me on her best day."
At this, Beardy drops the mic and makes her(?) way to the ring without saying anything, looking very very very upset. Hyper drops her mic as well and gets in a fighting stance as Beardy steps through the ropes, but suddenly a voice echoes throughout the arena... and Manfred Rickett walks out on stage. Beardy and Hyper both stop and look at him.
Manfred: "Ladies, calm down for a second, I've got a proposal for you. Hyper, if you really want to entertain these fans, why not make this match a Triple Threat Match?"
The crowd goes wild, and starts chanting "AUTUMN AUTUMN AUTUMN". Manfred looks around knowingly, nodding his head in agreement.
Manfred: "Allow me to introduce your opponent... Ayane Matsui!"
There is a chorus of boos, and suddenly Ayane comes out of the crowd, attacking the two(?) ladies in the ring from behind. The bell rings, and the match begins...
Cole: "Looks like this match is underway, a Triple Threat contest between Hyper Blizzard, Beardy El Transgender, and Ayane Matsui. Blizzard is representing The Storm, Beardy The Space Cowgirl Saloon, and Matsui The Worker's Union."
RONIN: "HEY COLE GUESS HOW MANY BOOBIES ARE IN THE RING I COUNTED IT'S 7 BOOBIES ISN'T THAT GREAT?"
Ayane is on the attack, but Hyper quickly rolls out of the ring, leaving Beardy to face the wild woman alone. Matsui pounds on her(?) with a series of adept boxing punches, keeping Beardy on the offensive and forcing her(?) back into the turnbuckle.
Cole: "Very smart of Hyper, staying on the outside and letting these two work eachother over."
RONIN: "MAN I'D LIKE TO WATCH THOSE TWO WORK EACHOTHER OVER IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I'M TALKING ABOUT SEX WITH THEIR VAGINAS"
Beardy blocks a punch in the corner and pushes Ayane away with both feet, but before she(?) can capitalize, Hyper jumps up on the apron and holds her(?) by the hair. Matsui charges in and hits Beardy with a huge running dropkick to the face, sending her(?) crashing to the mat. When Ayane looks over, Hyper drops off the apron with her hands in the air, saying "I don't got a problem, I don't got a problem".
Cole: "Blizzard playing these two perfectly right now. There's a reason they call her The Smartest Woman In The World."
RONIN: "I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT MINAMI TOYOTA IS PRETTY SMART ONE TIME ME AND HER WERE PLAYING BACKGAMMON AND I GOT HER IN CHECKMATE AND SHE SAID TO ME RONIN THERE'S NO CHECKMATE IN SCRABBLE AND THEN WE TOTALLY DuckED IT WAS AWESOME"
This dynamic continues for a few minutes. Ayane beats on Beardy, and every time Beardy attempts to make a comeback Hyper pops her head in and shuts her(?) down. Beardy manages a sudden roll-up, Ayane kicks out, and Blizzard grabs Beardy's ankle from the outside. Beardy turns to yell at her, and when she(?) turns around is met by a HUGE Superkick from Matsui. When Ayane goes to pin her(?) however, Blizzard slides in and breaks up the pin. Ayane stands up, obviously pissed off, and locks eyes with Blizzard, who tries to cower off.
Cole: "Uh-oh. I think Blizzard may have over-played her hand here. I don't think Matsui is gonna let her stay on the outside anymore."
Hyper drops to her knees, begging for forgiveness, but as Matsui approaches Blizzard hits her with a sudden spray of Blue Mist. Matsui stumbles back and turns around, right into...
Cole: "Labiaplasty by Beardy! Beardy recovered and hit Matsui with the Labiaplasty! This could be it, the ref is counting 1... 2..."
Cole: "Hyper Blizzard with a running punt to the head of Beardy! My god what a kick, that almost took her(?) head off!"
Seizing the moment, Hyper pins Matsui...
Cole: "This is it we may have a winner, 1... 2...
"Kick-out! Matsui kicked out!"
RONIN: "SHE'S GOT FIGHTING SPIRIT BAH GAWD SHE'S GONNA USE THAT BURNING HAMMER YOU CAN DO IT"
Cole: "Did you just say "BAH GAWD"?"
RONIN: "MY MOMMY USED TO SAY THAT WHEN SHE SPANKED ME"
Cole: "Fair enough."
Blizzard, shocked by this turn of events, rolls out of the ring and gets a chair. The crowd is booing her heavily as she gets back in the ring.
Cole: "Looks like Hyper's got some bad intentions with that chair, but who's she going after? Wait, what the..."
Instead of attacking anybody, Hyper sets the chair up in the middle of the ring, a few feet in front of Ayane Matsui, who's just getting to her feet. Beardy, unconscious, has already rolled out of the ring.
Cole: "What's she got in mind here?"
Blizzard measures Matsui, then rebounds off the ropes, jumping off the chair and flying straight at her...
Cole: "Ayane catches Hyper Blizzard in mid-air! She's got her on her shoulders, flips her over and... Dragon Sleeper! She's locked in the Dragon Sleeper! Is Blizzard going to tap?
"Wait a second, that's... that's Blizzard Mask! Blizzard Mask is on the apron! Another Blue Mist to Ayane Matsui!"
Ayane lets go of Hyper and stumbles backwards, landing comfortably in the seated chair. Hyper springboards off the ropes and...
Cole: "SHINING BLIZZARD! SHINING BLIZZARD ON THE SEATED AYANE MATSUI! HYPER'S GOT THE PIN! 1... 2...
"3! HYPER BLIZZARD WINS THE TRIPLE THREAT!"
RONIN: "AW MAN Duck THIS I LIKE THE ONE WITH THE PENIS"
Cole: "Hyper Blizzard wins the match and earns The Storm 2 points. The Battalion and The Space Cowgirl Saloon each lose 1 point, leaving the score at Storm 2, Battalion 1, and SCS 0. Wow, what a finish."
RONIN: "THAT BLIZZARD GUY IS KIND OF A DICK I WONDER IF HIM AND HIS SISTER EVER DO IT"
Cole: "That's sick!"
RONIN: "AW HELL YEAH"
Cole: "Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes our second match of the evening. Speaking of the Space Cowgirl Saloon, let's take you now to Autumn Meszaros."
Hyper and Blizzard Mask stand on the ramp, Mask raising Hyper's hand in victory, as the screen fades to black.
The camera cuts in to reveal a snug pub setting, wood and leather benches all around with the soft amber glow of lights and a fire in the back illuminating the room. Not too many people are in, but all that are seem to be having a quiet yet good time. A mix of western and techno music radiates through the air. The camera then cuts in on the members of the Space Cowgirl Saloon sitting at the bar, Autumn Meszaros petting the polar Colt Cabearna with one hand as the other grips onto her glass bottle of Pilsner. The camera pans to look towards her, which she looks up to somberly after a sip of her beer.
Autumn: "Probably the best beer in the universe, but it still will never compare to the sweet taste of victory..."
She tightens her grip on the bear and looks down.
Autumn: "My name is Autumn Meszaros. I am the daughter of Lance Meszaros and Laura Brennan. I came to the time of the peak of their careers to get what was mine. Though I will not be born for another few years, I went to the future from my time and stumbled upon a federation known as the Wrestle Republic. Curious, I gave them my talents. Soon enough I found myself embroiled in a very heated feud with a cold-hearted woman, and then I came out on top."
She drinks up the last of her beverage.
Autumn: "But then...my moment was stolen from me."
She allows the glass bottle to fall to the floor, shattering heard upon impact. She looks up stoically at the camera.
Autumn: "I became the Global Network champion in a fair fight under the moderation of a man claiming to be this woman's lover. I recognized him as a younger version of "Uncle Rudy", as I would later come to know him. In spite of this, the woman attacked me viciously and took my championship belt back to her time. So I went after her in attempts to get back my prize and my moment."
Her face and voice go cold and severe.
Autumn: "That woman is Hyper Blizzard.
"I entered professional wrestling to continue the legacy that brought my parents together. It was a legacy of fairness, skill, diplomacy...and unfortunately sometimes being screwed over and out of their moments. So far I am cursed with that same trait, but as they have so many times before me I will soon enough be the one who prevails as the best in the world."
She stands up, fists balled up on the bar before raising one. Colt Cabearna looks up and grumbles.
Autumn: "And this time, I'm not alone. I have a whole team of talented and equally screwed over individuals at my side. The seductive and charming Beardy el Transgender, the rambunctious and hardcore Mike Kendo, the legendary chimaera Ortvatistadon, the grizzly Jew colder than Hanukkah season Colt Caberna, and a man who should be holding all the titles, Space Sheriff Sharivan. Together, we form the Space Cowgirl Saloon. We are a renegade and classy group of individuals united with the common goal to take our talents to the stars and prove ourselves as the best around. And what better way to do that than to win the Kingdom of Heaven title?
Manfred Rickett, you and your Worker's Union show abundant potential. I hope you recognize their talents like I do and use them wisely, because I'm fairly certain in the end all you're going to do is use them. All teams need a leader on a similar page and on the same level, looking eye-to-eye or even up and not down, all pursuing individual goals that benefit the individuals themselves or even the whole group. That's what the SCS is...we are a family. And as a family we're going to help each other to show just who deserves to be where in the cosmic alignment of wWo. For those without a steady foundation..."
She walks backwards to an empty table behind her, bending over and lying face up on it.
Autumn: "Will be the first to fall over."
Fade to black.
As we fade back into the arena, music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VH6TrhVNHfM ) and Manfred Rickett starts his way down to the ring.
Announcer: "The following match is scheduled for one fall, and is a Kingdom Of Heaven Qualifier Match, where the winner's Faction goes on to compete in Faction Warfare tomorrow night for the Kingdom Of Heaven Championship. Introducing first... all the way from Monclar Sur Losse, France... weighing in at 225 pounds... leader of The Worker's Union, MANFREEEEEEEEEED... RICKEEEEEEEEEETT!"
As Rickett walks up the ring steps, he takes a second to look out and grin smugly at the crowd, who are booooing him vehemently. He steps into the ring, takes off his hat and jacket, and waits, looking calmly at the entranceway for his opponent.
Music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPg63uxYwN0 ) and the crowd explodes. Autumn Meszaros comes out, energetic and ready to fight, as the crowd chants "AUTUMN AUTUMN AUTUMN".
Announcer: "And his opponent... hailing from Vancouver, BC, Canada... weighing in at 125 pounds... representing The Space Cowgirl Saloon, "The Rose Queen"... AUTUUUUUUUMN... MESZAROS!"
Autumn poses on the ring apron, and everybody cheers.
Cole: "What a little goof. Listen to these people chant! I hope Rickett shows her what happens when you step in the ring with a REAL wrestler, something this little goof knows nothing about."
Rudy: "Why are you so mad all the time?"
Cole: "I'm detoxing from heroin."
Cole: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Blizzard Cole, and you're watching wWo REBIRTH, presented by 10 Hour Energy: What's Your 9:30 Feeling Like? Joining me at the broadcast booth is Rudy Cameron."
Cole: "Rudy, what do you think of this whole Autumn Meszaros - Hyper Blizzard situation?"
Rudy: "Well, I --"
Cole: "Looks like we're ready to start the match. This is a Kingdom Of Heaven Qualifier Match. The winner of this match and another match later tonight move on to FALLOUT on Night 2 to compete with their teams in Faction Warfare to crown the wWo's first ever Kingdom Of Heaven Champions. The Kingdom Of Heaven is the biggest title in the wWo, and the Faction that holds it has a whole lot of sway in that locker room. Usually it would cost a Faction 10 whole points to qualify for a match, so these Qualifiers are an opportunity that can't be wasted. What do you think, Rudy?"
Rudy: "I think that --"
The bell rings.
Cole: "That's our bell, and the match is underway. Manfred Rickett representing The Worker's Union, Autumn Meszaros representing the Space Cowgirl Saloon and underachievers everywhere. I wish Hyper would come back out here and kick her head off like she did to Beardy."
Rudy: "I don't know, I think she's nice --"
Cole: "Shut up Rudy. Autumn in control early on. I bet you Manfred is just playing possum, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. He's smart like that."
Autumn is indeed in control, staggering Manfred right away with a series of knife-edge chops and quick armdrags. Manfred soon takes control, reversing an armdrag with a thumb to the eye, followed by a hard chop-block that takes Autumn down to one knee.
Cole: "Smart move by Manfred. Autumn is small and doesn't have much power, but she makes up for it by being quick. If he can take out one of her legs, that takes out any advantage she might have. What do you think Rudy?"
Rudy: "I don't know why I'm out here, Hyper said to --"
Cole: "Oh, a hard kick to the side of the head by Rickett! Autumn is down, 1... 2... she kicks out! That must have been a slow count."
Rudy: "Can I just go?"
Rickett, not losing his cool, continues to work on the left leg of Meszaros, stomping on it and wrenching the knee around with unconventional submission holds. In-between moves he goes for quick pins, but Autumn kicks out at one every time. After a particularly hard kick-out, Manfred bends to look Meszaros in the face, and tells her "You better stay down, I can make this much, much worse." Autumn, with a sudden breath of life, reaches up and smack Rickett hard in the face, but he only smiles and rolls out of the ring.
Cole: "What's Rickett doing now?"
Rudy: "Whatever it is, I'm sure it's going to be Evil."
Cole: "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard, Rudy."
Manfred grabs a chair from ringside and rolls back in the ring. The ref stops him of course, pulling the chair out of his hand, but as the ref turns his back Rickett reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chain, quickly wrapping it around his fist. With the ref still turned away, Autumn stands with the help of the ropes, only for Manfred to nail her with a running punch to the back of the injured left knee. The crowd is on the verge of rioting. As the ref turns back around, Manfred drags Meszaros to the center of the ring and locks in a Figure Four Leg Lock.
Cole: "This is it! Meszaros is gonna tap! There's no way she can withstand this, not with that bum leg!"
Just as Autumn is about to tap out, the ref notices the chain, still wrapped around Manfred's hand. He starts arguing with Rickett, and goes to call for the bell, but Manfred stops him, grabbing him by the collar and threatening him with the chained fist.
Cole: "What's that referee doing? Where'd he go to train? This is ridiculous!"
Rudy: "Manfred should probably be careful not to get disqualified."
With a great show of pride, the referee pushes Manfred back, right into...
Cole: "Superkick to the back of the head! Manfred goes down! Not like this! NOT LIKE THIS!"
Rudy: "That looks like it hurt."
Cole: "It'll be fine, she didn't get him under the chin, Rickett's gonna kick out, just you watch! Wait, what is she doing? WHAT IS SHE DOING!?"
Rudy: "Looks like she's putting on the Sharpshooter instead."
Cole: "Shut up Rudy!"
Rudy: "NO YOU SHUT UP COLE! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH SUPER BLIZZARD, YOU'RE A JERK AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE A DICK TO ME!"
Rudy slaps Cole in the face, and almost simultaneously, the ref calls for the bell as Manfred Rickett taps out. Rudy throws his headset at Cole and walks to the back, but everybody's too busy cheering for Autumn to notice how awesome he just was. As Autumn celebrates outside the ring, limping on one leg, Cole comes back to his senses.
Cole: "Well... that was something."
Announcer: "Your winner, advancing with the Space Cowgirl Saloon to Night 2, AUTUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMN... MESZAROS!"
Cole: "I really wish I had some heroin right now."
Fade to black.
The scene fades in. Backstage, Dingo stands with The Bloomin' Onion, cuttin' a good-old-fashioned pre-match promo. Everybody looks super excited, except for Sir Dan, who looks like he really really really doesn't want to be there. Dingo gives the camera a manly smile.
Dingo Patterson: "Alright, listen up wWo. I've been asked to introduce my team to you. So here they are - The Bloomin' Onions. They are four of the toughest blokes you'll ever see. And me of course, the toughest bloke from the toughest country in the world, Australia. Oh yeah, and a tough bear. Here they are then - Sir Dan Danielson the Third, El Beardy, Marky DeVine and CM Punk. Oh yeah and Kuma."
Dan steps forward, pouty as all hell.
Sir Dan: "Hold on a second there - You're the leader? You, Dingo Patterson, from Australia? Who the hell put you in charge? Australia is a fine country, but it's sure as hell not England. Let me remind you who was part of the Commonwealth for many years. Yes, you're correct, we're tough blokes. But Australia isn't even close to being the toughest country in the world. I should be the leader of this faction, not you, Dingo boy. You don't have half of the leadership qualities that I have. I have led High Society in TTW to many victories, and I have sole handedly led the team of Rabid Royalty to many victories in MWAT, not to mention I come from a superior country, one that at one point conquered the majority of the world! And this name... Bloomin' Onions? What kind of rubbish is that? We should be something more noble, something more.... prestigious. Something like the "Knights of Justice" or the "Crusaders of Chaos". Not some kind of disparaging vegetable!"
Dingo: "Well mate, I didn't pick the name. How about "Duckin' oath, those onions mean business!" No? Never mind. Hey, I agree with you, mate. You've done a lot of great fighting. If you hadn't, I wouldn't have picked you for the team. You're a good fighter mate but you're gonna have to deal with not being the leader. And about this Commonwealth history - history's in the past mate, and I'm going to make sure it stays there. Now let's drop it and introduce the other guys, alright?"
Sir Dan scoffs, but he lets Dingo continue without interruption. El Beardy steps forward.
Dingo: "I've heard people call this bloke here evil. I've heard people hate him. Now when I look on the telly I see people who are nice. I see people that everyone loves. And guess what? I could take all of them. So a guy that gets called evil must be doing something right. Ladies and gents, his name is El Beardy and odds are he might be the last thing you see before your teeth hit the floor."
Marky DeVine steps forward.
Dingo: "MMA's a different game to pro wrestling. I know some of you don't like it. You call it "head punch". You call it "sweaty dick punching". Well have you ever been punched in the head? Have you been punched in the dick? Have you been in a really dodgy pub and had your dick ripped off, forced into your head and rammed in further with a broken bottle? Yeah, that's something you wanna stay clear of. Ladies and gents, from MMA, Marky DeVine."
2003 CM Punk steps forward.
Dingo: "You know what I love? Besides fighting that is. Beer. I drink a lot of it. It's manly. This next guy doesn't drink beer at all. I tried to give him one and he said no. I said that if he didn't have one he couldn't join the team. He said no. I smacked him in the face and tried to pour it down his throat and you know what the blighter did? He kicked me in the head and tried to get the Anaconda Vise on me! And that's exactly the type of guy I want on my team: someone who can fight! Ladies and gents, CM Punk!"
Kuma steps forward.
Dingo: "In Australia we have roos who'll kick your guts out. We have wombats that can crush your ribs. We have rays that can barb your heart. We have the worst snakes on the planet. We even have a spider that can kill you in 20 minutes. But you know what we don't have? Bears. The Yanks on my team tell me they're pretty tough so I got one. We fight each other and it's great fun. Ladies and gents, Kuma!"
There's silence for a second, then Dan speaks up from the back.
Sir Dan: "What, you're not going to introduce me?"
Dingo: "I think you did a pretty good job of introducing yourself already, mate."
Dan looks at him with contempt, and walks off-screen, leaving the rest of the Faction with confused looks on their faces. Kuma eats a salmon.
Fade back in on Blizzard Cole, rubbing his face tenderly, sitting next to Supreme Phoenix RONIN.
Cole: "This is just what I need. First I'm assaulted by some pink goof, and now I gotta sit next to this drunk goof again. Why did they send you back out here?"
RONIN: "MITCHELL COLE YOU GOT A STICK UP YOUR ASS THE SIZE OF MY DICK BUT IT'S NOT MY DICK BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE QUEER AND I'M NOT INTO THAT QUEER SHIT NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT I LIKE TITTIES AND BOOBIES AND PUSSIES AND BALLS NONE OF THAT GAY SHIT"
Cole: "*sigh* Well, it's time for our next Kingdom Of Heaven Qualifier Match."
Music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPEW_2Q8ejI#t=3m4s ) and Dingo Patterson makes his way down, flanked by Sir Dan. Dingo seems to be trying to convince Dan to go back, but Dan argues with him and Dingo just gives up and walks to the ring.
Announcer: "The following match is scheduled for one fall, and is a Kingdom Of Heaven Qualifier Match, where the winner's Faction goes on to compete in Faction Warfare tomorrow night for the Kingdom Of Heaven Championship. Introducing first... from Melbourne, Australia... weighing in at 190 pounds... head of The Bloomin' Onions... DINGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... PATERRRRRRRSOOOOOOOOOON!"
Cole: "I don't even want to ask, but... what do you think about this match RONIN?"
RONIN: "I JUST PISSED MYSELF"
Cole: "I want to die."
Music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0LIz-D68x8 ) and Marduk comes out, drenched in awesome Goldberg-style spark pyro. As he walks down the ramp, people in the front row back away in fear.
Announcer: "Aaaaaand his opponent... hailing from Sydney, Australia... weighing in at 396 pounds... he is the leader of The Battalion... CRAAAAAAAAAAAAIG... MAAAAAARDUUUUUUUK!"
Before entering the ring, Marduk takes a swing at the fat Hyper Blizzard mark, but fattie ducks out of the way just in time.
RONIN: "MITCHELL COLE LET ME TELL YOU WHAT THIS IS GONNA BE WE GOT THESE TWO GUYS FROM AUSTRALIA AND THEY'RE ABOUT TO FIGHT IT OUT LET ME TELL YOU I BEEN TO AUSTRALIA ONCE DID YOU KNOW THE WOMEN THERE HAVE VAGINAS THAT FLUSH BACKWARDS?"
Cole: "How drunk are you exactly?"
RONIN: "I CAN'T FEEL MY LIVER"
The bell rings, and the two men immedately stare eachother down. Dingo is much, much smaller than Marduk, but has absolutely no fear in his eyes, and puts out his hand in a show of honor. Marduk chuckles at him with disdain, and punches him hard in the face... but Dingo doesn't go down.
RONIN: "BAH GAWD WHAT A SHOT I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S STILL STANDING AFTER THAT"
Cole: "Well, he IS Australian... those guys are pretty tough."
RONIN: "HEY COLE SPEAKING OF AUSTRALIA HAVE YOU EVER SEEN COLESMAMADO?"
Cole: "What's Colesmamado?"
RONIN: "SHE SUCKS MY DICK BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
Cole: "Kill me."
Dingo pushes Marduk with a fire in his eyes, and Marduk actually backs off a bit, before throwing his head back and laughing. The two men lock up, and Dingo isn't giving an inch. Marduk gets the best of him after a while, sending him into the ropes, but Dingo comes back with a big shoulder block... but Marduk doesn't fall. Instead, he offers Dingo another run. Dingo takes it, but can't knock Marduk down, and offers Marduk a run of his own. Marduk smiles and hits the ropes, but on the way back catches a low dropkick that sends him to his knees, followed by a hard DDT.
Cole: "A vicious DDT by Dingo. Could he have him here? 1... 2... oh no, Marduk throws Dingo off. He doesn't look too happy."
RONIN: "YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN COLE"
Cole: "Marduk up now, Dingo hits the ropes looking for another shoulder block, but Marduk catches him with a HUGE Sidewalk Slam! He may be out from this... 1... 2..."
Cole: "Wait, Sir Dan is distracting the ref! Dingo is such a hyprocrite - he talks about fair fights, but then he brings Sir Dan out here to cheat when the chips are down! What a hypocrite! What a goof!"
RONIN: "I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT COLE, I DON'T KNOW IF DINGO WANTED HIM TO INTERFERE LIKE THAT, I MEAN I REMEMBER ONE TIME I WAS WRESTLING MISAWA AND THE GREAT MUTA IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN WHEN ALL THE SUDDEN I LOOKED DOWN AND REALIZED I WAS NAKED AND THEN MUTA TURNED INTO MY HIGH SCHOOL GYM TEACHER AND STARTED LAUGHING AT MY WEINER AND THEN I WOKE UP AND THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD A WET DREAM"
Cole: "How much money would I have to pay you to leave me alone?"
RONIN: "I GOT GIANT BABA'S FACE TATTOOED ON MY LEFT BUTTCHEEK"
Marduk gets up and grabs the ref, obviously pissed by Dan's blatant interference.
Cole: "Wow, this referee keeps messing up. What a goof."
After lecturing the ref for a bit, Marduk goes back to work on Dingo. He works the smaller man's back with slams and backbreakers, but Dingo kicks out of every pin attempt at 2. Marduk is obviously starting to get frustrated. He sets up Dingo in the corner and moves to the other end of the ring, hitting himself in the face, getting psyched up.
Cole: "This can't be good for Dingo. Marduk is livid right now, there's no telling what he could do."
Marduk runs straight for Dingo at full speed, but Dingo jumps out of the way at the last second, sending Marduk crashing shoulder-first into the ring post. Dingo stumbles forward off the leapfrog, accidentally catching the referee.
Cole: "Look at that! He's blatantly putting his hands on the referee! Disqualify him!"
RONIN: "I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT COLE I THINK HE'S JUST A LITTLE DELIRIOUS AND NOT LIKE WHEN I WENT TO MEXICO AND FOUGHT LITTLE DELIRIOUS HE'S LIKE DELIRIOUS EXCEPT HE'S A MIDGET HE WON BECAUSE I WAS SCARED OF HIS TINY HANDS GOING NEAR MY TENDER BUTTHOLE"
Cole: "Wait, what's Sir Dan doing!?"
With the ref temporarily distracted, Sir Dan comes out of nowhere with an insanely brutal chairshot, damn-near squashing Marduk's head between the chair and the ringpost. Dan quickly hides the chair under the ring as Marduk stumbles backwards, unconscious on his feet.
Cole: "Oh, COME ON!"
RONIN: "DINGO DIDN'T SEE IT LIKE JOHN CENA BY THE WAY I BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU COLE IS JOHN CENA'S CATCHPHRASE OFFENSIVE TO BLIND PEOPLE?"
Seeing Marduk stumble back into the ring, Dingo takes advantage, hitting the ropes 3 times to build momentum before hitting a devastating Dinkum Lariat, sending Marduk crashing to the ground.
RONIN: "HE'S GONNA DO IT HE GOT HIM PINNED 1! 2! 3!"
Cole: "I'm going to do it. I'm going to kill myself. Nobody will miss me."
Sir Dan quickly runs into the ring, raising Dingo's hand, who looks at him with a half-conscious confusion.
RONIN: "I DON'T THINK DINGO'S GONNA BE HAPPY WHEN HE SEES THIS TAPE, I CAN TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW"
Announcer: "Your winner, leading The Bloomin' Onions into Night 2, to face the Space Cowgirl Saloon for the Kingdom Of Heaven Championship... DINGOOOOOOOOOOO... PATTERRRRRRRSOOOOOOOOON!"
Cole: "Does anybody wanna buy some pot?"
Fade to black.
We fade back in, finding ourselves backstage in Blizzard's office. Hyper Blizzard, Rudy Cameron, Panther Kojo, and G. Maximus all sit in chairs lined up against the wall, as Blizzard Mask paces back and forth in front of them. Hyper is obviously agitated and excited, cracking her knuckles and drumming on her lap as Blizzard speaks to the group.
Blizzard: "Alright you guys, listen up. Tonight isn't just a big night for the wWo, it isn't just a big night for me and my reputation... it's the biggest night in each of your careers so far. That son of a bitch Lottie D threatens to destroy everything I've worked so hard to accomplish. He wants to bring chaos to this place, to your lives, and for what? To entertain the fans? To entertain himself? Let me put the cards on the table - if he beats me tonight, every single one of us is in serious jeapordy."
He stops at Maximus, looking him over with a grin.
Blizzard: "Maximus, you were with me in the old wWo. Your insane confidence made you one of our biggest stars. During that time you were my most loyal soldier, and for that you earned yourself a golden ticket to witness the Rebirth. This company is your chance to make a huge impact in this business, but if The Storm falls to the wayside then so does your opportunity at glory."
Maximus nods, and Blizzard moves on to Panther Kojo.
Blizzard: "Panther Kojo. I've been watching you in TTW for a long time now, and I've been nothing but impressed by your potential. But that's the keyword Kojo - potential. As it is you're a blank slate here in the wWo. I may see you for the talent that you are, but these people haven't sunk their teeth into you yet. If you follow The Storm, we're going to take you with us to a level you never thought possible... but if we fall, then you fall. You go back to fighting for mid-card titles in a promotion with a low glass ceiling, a glass ceiling that's standing right in front of you. I don't need to remind you that I am the reigning TTW World Champion... but here, you don't have to live in my shadow. You get to stand on the mountaintop at my side, but only if The Storm can stay strong, and only if Lottie D isn't allowed to infect this place with his sickness."
Kojo looks at Blizzard with intensity in his eyes, but seems to reluctantly agree. Blizzard moves on to Rudy Cameron.
Blizzard: "Rudy... mah boi. You and me go way back. Not only are we the (unrecognized) greatest Tag Team in the history of AES, we hold the 2011 Match Of The Year as a team. I trust you a lot Rudy. I trust you enough to date my sister, and I trust you enough to have my back in that ring, so I'm trusting that you know what will happen if I lose this match tonight. Not only does Lottie D and his gang of idiots get signed to official contracts, The Storm loses it's de facto place as the most powerful Faction in this company... and with that, the reputation you and me have earned goes right out the window."
Rudy smiles awkwardly and goes to say something, but Blizzard moves on to Hyper, who is still fidgeting with excitement.
Hyper: "Did you see that shit? Did you? I Ducking DESTROYED those bitches!"
Blizzard looks at her sternly.
Blizzard: "You shouldn't be so Duckin' excited. What would you have done if I hadn't bailed you out?"
Hyper: "Well, I would have--"
Blizzard: "And do I need to remind you that the Ducking Meszaros girl won her match against Rickett? What happens if she wins tomorrow night?"
Blizzard: "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS! WHAT HAPPENS IS THE MOST COVETED CHAMPIONSHIP IN THE COMPANY I FOUNDED GOES INTO THE HANDS OF A DuckING MESZAROS!"
Hyper stops moving, having apparently just realized this herself.
Blizzard: "What then, huh? What happens to our plan then? How are we supposed to finish this is one of them has the Kingdom Of Heaven?"
Hyper: "...I don't know."
Blizzard: "Yeah, I know you don't. You were supposed to be in charge of her, so do your Ducking job."
Hyper looks up at him, apologetic yet violent, like a beaten dog.
Hyper: "I'm sorry. I will."
Blizzard: "Good. I think we're done here. You all can go."
Everybody but Blizzard Mask shuffles out of the room, leaving him pacing and frustrated. The screen fades to black.
As we fade back in, we find RONIN at the commentary table by himself, getting even more drunk.
RONIN: "WOAH GUYS I DIDN'T SEE YA THERE MITCHELL COLE WENT TO DO SOME BLOW SO I'M GONNA CALL THIS MATCH BY MYSELF I THINK"
Announcer: "The following contest is a Ladder Match for the wWo Hardcore Championship. Introducing first..."
Music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGtZlNsB1-U ) and RMD struts out onto the stage, wearing a shirt with "I WANT MY REMATCH" written on it with magic marker.
Announcer: "From somewhere in Nevada... weighing in at just enough to fall down playing Dance Dance Revolution... Representing an unnamed Faction led by Lotus Dragon... He is the world's greatest Carpet Detectivvvvvveeeeee... R....... M......... DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
RONIN: "HE'S FAT LOL"
As RMD gets into the ring, the music stops, and Sin Cobra's tron starts to play - but without music.
RONIN: "LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A BIT OF A PRODUCTION BOTCH HERE FOLKS"
RMD looks peeved and starts setting up a ladder in the middle of the ring.
RONIN: "I DON'T THINK THIS GUY WANTS TO WAIT OH MAN I SAID WAIT LIKE WEIGHT HE'S FAT OH MAN I'M A COMEDY GENIUS"
As RMD reaches the peak of the climb, Sin Cobra suddenly dashes out from backstage his pyro apparently not working either. He hits a springboard on the outside of the ring and flips over the top rope, but botches it and smashes into the ladder, sending RMD flying out of the ring and onto the announce desk.
RONIN (off-mic): "OH SHIT I THINK HE'S DEAD LET ME PISS ON HIM TO CHECK"
Cobra, somehow miraculously unharmed, gets to his feet, only to have the harness on the Hardcore Title break and the belt fall down onto his head from 20 feet in the air. He gets up again however, holding the title, and the ref rings the bell.
RONIN (off-mic): "WHAT? SAY SOMETHIN ABOUT THE CHAMPIONSHIP? Duck THAT I THINK THIS DuckER IS DEAD I PISSED IN HIS MOUTH AND HE DIDN'T EVEN MOVE WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE GONNA SEND A DOCTOR THIS IS JAPANESE MEDICINE MOTHERDuckER I LEARNT IT FROM TANAHASHI AFTER I GOT KICKED IN THE NUTS BY A HORSE"
Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, and NEEEEEEWWWWWWWW wWo Hardcore Champion... SIN... COOOOOOOBRAAAAAAAA!"
RONIN (back on mic): "WELL FOLKS, THE DOCTORS 'R TELLIN ME THAT RMD BROKE HIS ASS FROM THAT FALL AND IT TURNS OUT I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE JUST GIVEN HIM HEPITITIS C LOOKS LIKE HE'LL BE OUT FOR AT LEAST 12 YEARS OH WELL ON TO OUR MAIN EVENT!"
Suddenly, the screen cuts to static.
The camera is all like, 'aww shit y'all time for parking lots', as it cuts to (surprise!) a parking lot. But not just any parking lot, no, this is the Lottie Dizzle Parkizzle Plaza, featuring the Lottie D Posse (feat. Lottie D).
Lotus: "Yo, I gots me a match tonight against that frosty fellow Super Blizzard, and it's for the wWorrrrrrrrrrrrrrld title, and you know what? I'm gonna win. Why? I'll tell you why, because...I'M THE BEST"
The entire Lottie D Posse (feat. Lottie D) (minus RMD because he has a broken ass and Hep C) (also minus Duckman because as it turns out being 3 ducks in a man costume is against the company's wellness policy) proceeds to do their best Randy Orton impression, slowly walking towards the camera before beating the shit out of it, because that's what good guys do. The screen goes black but one can still hear the faint mumbling of Lotus Dragon.
Lotus: "It's always been a fantasy of mine to be a sex slave to 2 bears..."
The camera cuts out.
We cut back in, and RONIN has passed out drunk underneath the announce table. The crowd seem to be waiting intently, when suddenly music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BLtLRTFimA ) and Hyper Blizzard struts her way down to the ring, now wearing a white suit jacket over her usual attire. She sits down at the announce desk and steals RONIN's discarded headset.
Hyper: "Hey all you Duckers out there in DVD-land, this is Hyper Blizzard, taking over commentary duties for our main event since it seems Supreme Phoenix RONIN is suffering from alcohol poisoning and Blizzard Cole is snorting coke off of RMD's near-lifeless body backstage. So without any kind of Ducking bells and whistles, let's toss it over to our ring announcer."
Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is set for one fall... and it is for... the wWo... GLOBAAAAAAAAAAAL... CHAAAAAAMPIONSHIIIIIIIIIP!"
The crowd goes wild. Chants of "LOTUS DRAGON" start to pop up throughout the arena.
Announcer: "And now, the competitors for the evening..."
Music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAaxqyPMZtw ) and Blizzard Masks walks out onto the entrance ramp wearing the TTW World Championship around his waist. He takes a confident look at the crowd, scoffs, then sprays bright blue mist into the air before making his slow march to the ring. There are some "SUPER BLIZZARD" chants, but they are deftly countered by the rest of the audience chanting "BLIZZARD SUCKS". He seems unfazed by either one as he steps through the ropes. He turns a few times with his arms out before falling to his knees, greeted by a modest smattering of blue and white streamers. Still on his knees, he removes the TTW World Title and raises it high above his head, mouthing to the audience "THIS IS MINE".
Hyper: "These people need to give him the respect he deserves. Blizzard Mask is the TTW World Champion, and soon to be the wWo Global Champion. These vacant heads chanting for Lottie D need to have their lives revoked."
There is silence (apart from the dueling Blizzard chants) for a good minute, then music hits ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1c5pgo6zU10 ) and the crowd explodes for Lottie D, who struts out onto the entrance ramp with pure unbridled confidence. The crowd picks up on it, and chants of "LOTUS DRAGON" echo throughout the wWo Arena. Blizzard remains knelt in the middle of the ring, looking disgusted but amused. Lotus rolls into the ring and walks right by Blizzard, posing on the turnbuckles to an explosion of cheers each time. The ref raises the wWo Global Championship in the air, while Lotus paces from turnbuckle to turnbuckle and Blizzard stays on his knees holding the TTW Title.
Announcers: "This match is No Disqualification and No Count-Out. As an additional stipulation, if Lottie D defeats Blizzard Mask and becomes the inagural wWo Global Champion, he and all remaining members of his faction will recieve wWo contracts. Introducing first... the owner and founder of the wWo... he hails from The Blinding Whiteness Of The Tundra... measuring in at 5-foot-10,160 pounds... the current reigning TTW World Champion... BLIZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD.......... MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASK!!!"
The crowd erupts with mixed emotion. Diehard Blizzard family marks are going nuts, but the rest of the crowd is completely shitting on him. Blizzard stays on his knees, smirking and raising the TTW Title above his head with both hands.
Announcer: "And his opponent... from Kona, Hawaii... measuring in at 6-feet tall, 180 pounds... he's more than you ever expected... he's LOTTIEEEEEEEEEEEE.......................... DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The arena almost implodes under the weight of the near-atomic pop. Lotus locks eyes with the kneeling Blizzard, the photographer takes the official picture, and the ref moves each man to his corner. There is tension for a second, then the bell rings.
RONIN: "Somehow Lottie D kicks out! What heart!"
Hyper: "This is Ducking bullshit!"
Blizzard is starting to get pissed, but seems to remember something and starts smiling. He rolls out of the ring and walks towards the announce table, yelling at Hyper "GET ME A CHAIR!" She obliges, handing him the timekeeper's metal folding chair. Blizzard grins an evil smile and slides back in the ring, holding the chair in his hand.
RONIN: "Now this is uncalled for!"
Hyper: "Shut up RONIN, this is a No DQ match, remember?"
RONIN: "That's only so we can insure a clear winner, not so Blizzard can use weapons!"
Blizzard stands over Lottie D and unfolds the chair, placing it so the front legs are over Lotus's neck and his head is completely under the chair.
RONIN: "Wait a second, what the hell is he doing?"
Hyper: "Dealing with a problem."
RONIN: "He's standing on the chair... he's looking down at Lotus... Lotus is completely vulnerable, what the hell is Blizzard thinking!?"
Without a cold look in his eyes, Blizzard jumps high off of the chair, lifting his knees to his chest before coming down with an incredibly violent double-stomp directly to Lotus's chest, the chair on top of his throat.
RONIN: "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN!? HE COULD HAVE KILLED HIM! LOTUS DRAGON MIGHT BE SERIOUSLY INJURED!"
Hyper: "Well that's what he gets for Ducking with The Storm. He knew exactly what he was getting himself into."
RONIN: "THIS IS SICK! Oh god help me, Blizzard is going for the cover, this is over. 1... 2..."
Hyper: "NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!!"
RONIN: "WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS HE KICKED OUT BAH GAWD HE KICKED OUT!"
As Blizzard sits up in disbelief, Lotus rolls over onto his side, spitting a bit of blood out of his mouth. Blizzard doesn't know what to do. The crowd is chanting "LOTTIE D" like they've never chanted it before.
Hyper: "Duck this."
RONIN: "What the hell are you doing!?"
Hyper Blizzard tosses her headset on the ground and slides into the ring, picking Blizzard up by the arm and saying something into his ear. Blizzard's eyes get sharp again as he nods in approval.
RONIN: "I don't know what's going on folks, but it seems like Hyper has an idea. Blizzard setting Lotus up on the top rope... oh my god, are they going for a two-person version of Rend The Sky? WAIT! WAIT A SECOND! BAH GAWD IT'S GARTH! GARTH IS RUNNING DOWN THE ENTRANCE RAMP!"
The crowd going wild, Garth runs into the ring. With Blizzard still climbing the ropes for Rend The Sky, Hyper jumps down to face him, running right into...
RONIN: "A HUGE KICK TO THE FACE! Hyper's back on her feet though, but wait's he's... he's setting it up... DEMACIAN JUSTICE TO HYPER BLIZZARD! DEMACIAN JUSTICE TO HYPER BLIZZARD! PAYBACK IS A BITCH!"
Before Blizzard can execute Rend The Sky, Garth quickly runs up behind him and hits him with a vicious low blow, doubling him over. Lotus slides off of the turnbuckle into the ring, and starts to stumble to his feet in the opposite corner, obviously hurt pretty bad.
RONIN: "Oh man, Blizzard bend over on the second rope... Garth seems to be going for something, he's climbing up, is he going for Retrovertigo? If he hits this it's gotta be over! All Lotus has to do is cover him -- wait, BLUE MIST! BLUE MIST TO THE EYES OF GARTH! Garth is doubled over on the top rope, Blizzard hops down and... a huge kick to the back of the neck sends Garth crashing down to the ground! What a White Horizon by Blizzard! This is total chaos -- wait a second, Lotus is to his feet... LOTUS IS TO HIS FEET, AND BLIZZARD DOESN'T SEE HIM YET!"
The arena quakes with cheers of "LET'S GO LOTUS" as the injured fighter locks his gaze on the unknowing Blizzard, steadying himself in the corner before coming up behind the corrupt company owner...
RONIN: "He's got Blizzard in a Full Nelson -- Dragon Suplex! My lord what a Dragon Suplex, but Blizzard isn't down! Blizzard immediately gets to his feet, but I don't think he knows where he is! OH MY GOD! PRETENTIOUS LOTUS MOVE! THE PRETENTIOUS LOTUS MOVE! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE OUR FIRST GLOBAL CHAMPION, AND IT WILL BE LOTUS DRAGON! GOES FOR THE PIN! 1!... 2!..."
Hyper pulls the ref out of the ring at the very last second, throwing him hard into the barricade before collapsing on the floor herself.
RONIN: "NO! NO! WE HAD A NEW CHAMPION! WE HAD A NEW CHAMPION AND HYPER BLIZZARD STOPPED THE COUNT! LOTTIE D JUST HAD THIS MATCH STOLEN FROM RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE!"
It takes a while for both men to get to their feet, Lotus with busted ribs, Blizzard possibly concussed, taking shots at each other the whole way up. As they start to get re-energized, their back-and-forth brawling becomes more and more vicious, until finally Lotus catches Blizzard with a kick to the gut and throws him through the middle rope onto the floor.
RONIN: "Bah gawd, what a horrible impact. These men may not walk out of this arena with their lives!"
Lotus quickly follows him down onto the arena floor, getting Blizzard to his feet and tearing away at him with sharp kicks to the legs and ribs. In the meantime another ref arrives, and calls for the men to get back in the ring. Lotus looks up at him, momentarily distracted, and Blizzard pushes him spine-first into the steel of the turnbuckle. Lotus staggers to the nearest barrier and leans against it, trying not to fall. Blizzard quickly gets his bearing and runs towards Lottie D, going for a big clothesline, but Lotus ducks and...
RONIN: "BIG KAHUNA ONTO THE GUARDRAIL! HUGE REVERSE POWERSLAM ONTO THE GUARDRAIL! THESE MEN ARE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER TONIGHT!"
With the crowd chanting his name, Lotus struggles to pull Blizzard back over the guardrail and into the ring.
RONIN: "This has to be it, THIS HAS TO BE IT... Lotus going for the cover... 1... 2..."
RONIN: "THE EYE OF EVERY STORM! BLIZZARD REVERSED THE PIN INTO HIS SIGNATURE SUBMISSION MANEUVER! LOTUS HAS GOTTA TAP! LOTUS HAS GOTTA TAP! Wait, somebody just jumped the guardrail, what's going on!? Who is that!? BAH GAWD THAT MASKED MAN JUST PUNTED BLIZZARD MASK IN THE SKULL! WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS HIS NECK HAS TO BE BROKEN! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? THAT MAN JUST KICKED BLIZZARD'S HEAD CLEAN OFF HIS SHOULDERS, AND NOW HE'S GETTIN' THE HELL OUT OF DODGE! LOTUS IS STILL ON TOP OF BLIZZARD! THE REF IS COUNTING! NOT LIKE THIS, BAH GAWD NOT LIKE THIS! 1! 2! 3! LOTUS DRAGON JUST BEAT BLIZZARD MASK! LOTUS DRAGON JUST WON THE wWo GLOBAL CHAMPIONSHIP!"
Lotus's music starts playing, but the ref can barely get him to his feet. He collapses on his knees, holding the Global Championship, as Saiyko Trippy and Munch B. Cool come out of the crowd to celebrate with him.
RONIN: "I don't think Lotus has any idea what just happened. Hell, I don't have any idea what just happened. Folks, we have crowned our first ever Global Network Champion, and in the process the wWo has signed it's newest Faction. But who the hell was the masked man that assaulted Blizzard Mask? Why him, why now? Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know the answers to these questions myself, but I'm sure we'll find out something tomorrow night, at wWo Fallout. Signing off, I'm Supreme Phoenix RONIN, and I just pissed my pants."